People have been asking the wrong question for years. It’s not why did the chicken cross the road — it’s why the asshole did. Because unlike the chicken, the asshole didn’t cross with purpose, urgency, or basic situational awareness. The asshole crossed the road because rules are suggestions, patience is optional, and the world is clearly a personal obstacle course.
Theory One: They Needed Attention
The most common reason is visibility. The asshole doesn’t just cross the road — they announce it. Slow pace. Eye contact with oncoming traffic. Maybe a sudden stop halfway across just to check their phone. This isn’t transportation; it’s performance art. The goal isn’t getting to the other side, it’s making sure everyone notices the inconvenience.
This behavior is usually accompanied by the facial expression of someone who believes accountability is a myth invented by lesser people.
Theory Two: Control Issues, But Mobile
Crossing the road becomes a power move. The asshole sees a perfectly good crosswalk ten feet away and thinks, No. Here. Because following systems feels like losing. They’d rather disrupt traffic than be subtly told where to stand. The road didn’t need crossing — it needed dominating.
If honked at, the asshole will respond with confusion, offense, or interpretive hand gestures that suggest they believe they are in the right, historically and spiritually.
Theory Three: Main Character Syndrome
In their mind, the road exists for them. Cars are just moving scenery. Schedules are a suggestion. Physics is flexible. This is how you end up watching someone cross at a diagonal, as if choosing the most inefficient path possible is a personality trait.
There is no urgency. Urgency would imply other people matter.
Theory Four: They Were Avoiding Consequences
Sometimes the asshole crosses the road to avoid someone on the sidewalk they wronged. A former friend. An ex. A barista who remembers them. The road becomes an escape route. Unfortunately, it’s still done without looking, because self-preservation only applies emotionally, not physically.
Theory Five: They Had No Idea Where They Were Going
This is the most dangerous variety. The wandering asshole. No destination. No plan. Just vibes. They cross the road, pause, turn around, cross back, then stand in the middle like a confused NPC waiting for instructions. Traffic slows. Time bends. Somewhere, a calendar flips pages.
The Conclusion Nobody Asked For
The asshole crossed the road not because they needed to — but because they could. Because inconvenience is collateral damage. Because awareness is optional. And because deep down, some people believe the world is a stage and everyone else signed up to be an extra.
The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side.
The asshole crossed it to make it everyone else’s problem.